Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Leaked Script of Pakistani remake of bajrangi bhaijaan.

Internet is abuzz with the news that famous Pakistani director, Abdul Saleem Khan, is going to remake blockbuster bollywood movie "bajrangi bhaijaan". The film will be titled "Osama bhaijaan" and will star superstar Mushtaq Musharraf in the title role essayed by Salman Khan in the original.
We have managed to get our hands on the script of the movie and below is a brief synopsis of the plot.

"Osama Bhaijaan is a devout muslim, who offers namaz 5 times a day. He is a huge fan of Pakistani cricket team and particularly of Ahmad Shehzad. Other than indian cricketers, he dislikes Tilakratne Dilshan the most and believes that he will face the fire.
One day a little girl named Munni runs into him. Osama bhaijaan takes pity on the this girl and brings her home. He decides to find her family and take her home. He asks her but is shocked to learn that she is not able to speak. So he gets a great idea. He tells her to raise her hand whenever she hears the name of her place. A couple nights later, Osama bhaijaan is having a meeting at his home with his business partners. During the meeting one of the partners asks, "When will I get to infiltrate the borders and kill those infidel Indians?"
Before Osama bhaijaan can answer, his eye catches Munni standing with her hand raised.
Confused, Osama bhaijaan ends the meeting abruptly and sends everyone home. He closes the door and immediately grabs Munni by her shoulders and asks her if she is from India? Munni nods her head in affirmation and Osama bhaijaan immediately tells her to go in her room. He spends the night thinking and finally comes to a decision to help this girl.
Next morning, he takes her to local masjid, gets her converted and marries her himself.
The end."

Disclaimer : Since we are living in times where Adarsh liberals will outrage on anything that does not suit their narrative, I would like to state that this is purely a work of fiction and my only intention is to mock the country of losers called Pakistan. If you equate my work with Indian Muslims and consider it an attack on Islam, then you clearly are an Adarsh liberal and I will suggest you to book a plane ticket to the land of ISIS. India will be better off without your outraging bigotry. Thank you.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

"Pechonney baash"

Clad in a simple saree,
Brandishing her humble iPhone,
Cheap slippers, cheaper morals,
She thundered on the microphone,
"Pechonney baash", she growled,
And arses around her smiled,
Their glee hiding the agony of,
Those moments theirs were defiled,
The happiest was a quiz master,
"Who is next? ", he wondered,
Till his eyes met those of her,
Once again he meekly surrendered,
Off he went to prepare debates,
To put his hypocrisy to test,
While in a corner stood a bamboo,
Admiring his posterior best.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Muffler Man

Muffler man, Muffler man,
Does whatever nobody can,
Spins a lie any size,
Only U-turns in his flight,
Look out,
Here comes the muffler man.

Is he right?
Listen bud,
He’s got raita in his blood,
He can spread it all around,
Can give dharna on any ground,
Hey, there
There goes the muffler man.

In the chilly winter days,
Wherever the media stays,
At the drop of a hat,
'Sab mile huye hain' he plays.

Muffler man, muffler man,
Blames modi all the time,
Wants the votes in his name,
49 days is his record.
TRP is his reward.

To him, life is a great big conspiracy,
Modi for PM, Kejri for CM is his ecstasy,

He is the muffler man.
He is the Muffler Man.

based on Spiderman theme song
Spiderman theme song

For my other works on Aam Aadmi Party visit the following links

1. फिर आप को किसने भ्रष्ट किया?
2. बहुत क्रांतिकारी
3. फिर बहेगा रायता

Read my pro-AAP work too in case you are an #AAPtard and seething with anger

1. एक वीर को श्रधांजलि
2. झाडू

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Chapter 1( A sneak preview of my novel)

Aman setu,
Srinagar-muzaffarabad highway,
May 1st, 2047

Abbas walked over the bridge along with other passengers. Abbas, whose real name was Mahmud-ul-abbasi, was a young recruit of ISI. All of 23, he had been training in the al-Qaeda camps since 3 years. He possessed a shrewd mind and had impressed the visiting pak army chief. So when the army chief carried out yet another coup in the history of Pakistan, he called up Abbas for a special mission.
Abbas was an inch shorter than six feet, had a long flowing beard and a muscular frame. But for this mission he had transformed into a suave gentleman, clean shaven and well dressed. Abbas also had a good command on English, which helped him fool Indian authorities in getting a visa.
As his luggage was thoroughly checked, Abbas took a glimpse of the great view of his country from the enemy side. He looked at the Indian soldiers and thought about their sorry fate. How they will soon be buried at the bottom of this very bridge. He smiled and muttered his gratitude as the jawan examining his luggage gave him approval to move ahead and get back in the bus.
Ever since Indian government decided to begin the dialogue with the old snakes for the umpteenth time and opened the borders for CBMs, Pakistan had been smiling. Abbas was the final installment; the others had already sneaked in over the past few months and were in their position, waiting for the final command.
The bus carrying the Pakistani passengers began moving again, as Abbas admired the ethereal beauty of Kashmir. “Someday it will all be a part of Pakistan”, he muttered inaudibly to himself.
Upon reaching Srinagar and after going through the security protocol once again, Abbas left for the house of one Yaqoob Qureshi. Yaqoob was a member of Hurriyat assigned with the duty of looking after ISI agents arriving in Srinagar.
“Anybody home?” Abbas knocked on his door.
A tall man in his late forties opened the door and inquired, “Who are you?”
Abbas introduced himself and was quickly ushered in by Yaqoob.
“Is everything ready?” Abbas asked Yaqoob.
“Yes! When do we start then?” Yaqoob replied gleefully.
“7 days from now and we begin the war to free Kashmir”, Abbas gave a smile that would have put even Satan to shame.
Yahoo smiled back as he showed Abbas to his room.
The wheels had been set into motion for what would be remembered in history as ‘The death of a nation’.

"I have been reading and researching for this novel for 5 years now, it will still take time but I would really appreciate if my readers can give me feedback on how it is looking as of now, do you find it generating interest? or do you find it bland? do leave comments to let me know of your views about my writing"

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Rahuls panic, Dravid temple proposed

In light of the recent ‘reform’ call by Rahul Bose and the ‘anti-marriage’ declaration of Rahul Gandhi, the Rahuls all over India are facing a torrid time maintaining their sanity. Such has been the backlash against the people with name ‘Rahul’ that it forced all the Rahuls to get together and launch ‘Rahul bachao andolan (RBA).
Speaking to our correspondent, Rahul Bajaj, a leading industrialist & VP of RBA complained, “owing to recent remarks of two of our namesakes, Rahuls all over India are having a troubled life. Hence for safeguarding our rights, we have decided to come together and take a stand”
Our citizen journalist Mr. SK Shinde (who also doubles up as home minister on Sundays) caught up with a few of these disgruntled people outside the RBA headquarters. He reported, “On the condition of anonymity, a certain Mr. Rahul Chopra, resident of alambagh, lucknow told us how his girlfriend dumped him, citing the reluctance of Rahuls to get into wedlock”.
Meanwhile, in other news, khap panchayats have passed an order that every person planning to rape someone must be accompanied by a Rahul, so he can be reformed by the latter, after committing rape.
Tired of all this bad publicity, RBA has come up with a master plan to set things straight. Talking to our correspondent, Rahul Roy, former Bollywood actor & president of RBA told us, “Keeping in mind the outrage and sarcastic attacks on the name Rahul during past few days, we have come up with a two pronged counter strategy. We have ordered all Rahuls to move over to Google+ for the time being, in search of isolation and we have proposed a Rahul Dravid temple to highlight the good about our name”.
Last heard, Tamil Nadu youth congress has sent financial help to ensure that the ‘Rahul Temple’ gets completed in time.

New RSS dress code sends nation for a tailspin

Keeping in mind the startling discovery by Mr. Mohan Bhagwat that western culture is responsible for increase in crimes against women; RSS today issued a new dress code for its members. RSS has finally decided to do away with western inspired white shirts and khaki shorts and will be switching over to a more 'Indian' attire of Dhoti and Kurta.
Speaking to our fashion correspondent, the head of sangh parivar’s fashion department Mr.Tod Fod Kumar said,” For long sanghis have been a subject of harassment from various sections of society primarily due to their revealing shorts. So when aadarniya Bhagwat ji brought this truth out, we went into a brainstorming session to come up with something to set our own house in order before we can impose it on the nation.”

While many in sangh have welcomed the decision, quite a lot of its young blood has expressed disappointment. Talking to us Mr. Nafrat Bodi, a young handsome sanghi lamented, “Man! I specially joined sangh so I can proudly show of my well-toned calves in public to the girls. Now which girl will take interest in me, if I walk around in a dhoti?”

The move has also sent shockwaves through the political circuit as many secular leaders had to change their wardrobe overnight so as to avoid any association with sangh. Meanwhile, speaking to press Shri Mulayam Singh Yadav congratulated sangh for promoting his signature outfit. When reminded that he is actually praising RSS, he did a prompt U-Turn and thundered that no dhoti-kurta clad person will be allowed to set foot in Uttar Pradesh. On being reminded that he too is wearing dhoti-kurta, Mulayam Singh did another volte-face and left the press conference fuming.

Meanwhile there is a mass outrage amongst congress paid tweeters as the move seemed to have affected their job. “RSS in dhoti… my #chaddhiwala jokes will go waste. Blow to my livelihood. #Rahul4PM” tweeted a Mr. @psurya.

Meanwhile RSS received a BIG support in form of Mr. Gadkari as he explained how troublesome it was for him to get shorts of his waist size at any store.
Last heard, UPA chairperson Mrs. Sonia Gandhi has convened a high level meeting to discuss the issue at her residence. Arriving at the meeting, Digvijay Singh suggested to media that they are looking at the possibility of declaring dhoti-kurta as a communal dress.